The Slightest Scratch Cuts to the Bone

All children feel sadness and pain, but the really bright ones may seem especially intense or sensitive. A young child  may wail and have a meltdown over not getting their way, but a gifted child of any age may have a meltdown about things that are experienced less intensely by most people. They can be especially vulnerable to anxiety about things most children “tune out”, such as politics, natural disasters, or war. Addressing their fears and validating their feelings without enabling their extreme behavioral responses, is a tough tightrope to walk.

Parents can help their children in several ways. First, limit young children’s exposure to television. The news and reality based programs often are presented in a style that sensationalizes graphic violence or content. Children can become overwhelmed emotionally by images they see but do not understand.

If your children are upset or have nightmares about something they saw in a movie or on TV, be sure you spend time comforting and above all, listen to them. Don’t dismiss their feelings. Don’t say “Oh, don’t be silly!” or trivialize their feelings. By dismissing their feelings, you are implying that the children themselves are not important. Ask questions. Why are they afraid or upset? What did they see that made them sad or scared? How did it make them feel? Listening is the best gift you can give them to overcome extreme emotions. Gifted children need to believe that someone is listening and understands them.

There are several calming techniques that can help calm a scared or angry child. Dr. Ruby Payne, in her new book, Emotional Poverty (2018), recommends several different calming strategies that can really help. Her term, Emotional Poverty, is not a clinical diagnosis, but a term she uses to describe children of any age that feel “less than or apart from” others in a group, such as a classroom or even in a family. It is a life-changing read. You can buy it here: https://www.ahaprocess.com/store/emotional-poverty-book/

Ruby recommends several calming techniques to help children overcome emotional outbursts. One technique is tapping. Many therapists use tapping to help distract the brain and calm down feelings of sadness, anger, or fear. As Ruby says, “It is easy to do, and it can’t hurt you!”

There is a picture book for children about tapping:

My grandson memorized the spots to tap in one reading and liked the idea of being able to distract himself and overcome his emotional meltdowns.

If you want to read an adult book about how it works for adults or children of any age, you might like this book:

Tapping is certainly not the only technique to help children understand and ultimately be able to control their emotions appropriately. Sitting quietly and holding the hand of a raging child can be very calming. Human touch is soothing. Trying to rationalize seldom does anything but make them even madder. A reference book of different techniques is good for any family. Try this one:

Intense emotions is actually a characteristic of giftedness. Learning to manage them is a part of a mom’s job. Validate their feelings, actively listen, ask questions to help guide them through their thinking. Help your children decide what the best options are to solve the problem, or if it is a problem that cannot be solved, how to live with it.

An example of a problem that can be solved is: “The boy on the playground called me names. It hurt my feelings.” The best response a mom can give is to help the child understand that this kind of interaction by a bully is about power. A person who calls others names feels insecure about himself. If his words hurts your child, it gives him power. Learning to say, “OK, so what?” and walking away to find another friend to play with solves the problem. Staying in the conversation and trying to defend himself/herself that he/she is NOT …(an idiot, stupid, a loser, whatever) feeds the bully’s power.

An example of a problem that can’t be solved by a child is world hunger or a hurricane destroying a home. Your child can’t fix it, but they can learn what actions they can take to help others. I know a boy who likes to say, “This is the worst day ever!” when he doesn’t get his way. Telling him that he is fed, healthy, and actually spoiled rotten is not going to change his feelings. Doing something nice for someone else- something thoughtful and selfless, gets his mind off his own desires and actually will help him feel better. It is an easy distraction technique but at the same time, it is teaching the value of service. So go get your raging child, make a batch of cookies with him/her, and take them to someone who is in worse shape than your child and help them learn to get over their emotional outbursts by focusing their mental energy on something positive and selfless. It works.

 

3 thoughts on “The Slightest Scratch Cuts to the Bone

  1. This is a lovely post on what parents can do to help their children. Parents should also be aware news is not the only thing out there that can cause troubled emotions in their child; spanking their child will cause more.

    Like

    • Thank you for your comment. Corporal punishment can cause shame in children. Guilt is a feeling for something they do. They can be forgiven for it. But shame is a feeling that comes from something that they ARE, something they cannot change. Shaming a child can cause anger and violence if their rational brain, the middle prefrontal cortex, cannot control their emotional brain, or the limbic system. That is the thing that in older children/teens has led to shootings in school. The book Emotional Poverty, by Dr. Ruby Payne, PhD. is a good resource to learn calming techniques and to help children control their own emotions. Parents who are loving and nurturing and then violent towards children send mixed messages that Dr. Payne calls “safe and dangerous”. Consequences should exist and fit the situation; however, spanking children rarely accomplishes anything except resentment. I was spanked, I spanked my son, but I would not spank my grandchildren. Times have changed. Appropriate behavior is not encouraged by violence.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I love the quote and how it describes spanking because I agree with it. And I am glad you have seen how the times have changed but also changed inside and let spanking become a thing of the past.

        Like

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